Some of us are people pleasers. Some people grew up walking on egg shells because they didn’t live in a safe place. People are averse to conflict for a million reasons. Many of us have to learn how to navigate a new relationship with a new person.

I remember in college my roommate would periodically get pretty quiet and not say much to me for a few days. At which point I would fester and run through literally every single interaction we’d had or should have had but didn’t over the last month or so. What had I done to upset her?! I would finally ask what I’d done wrong and I still vividly remember her looking at me and asking “why would you think it’s about you?”

I was gobsmacked. What do you mean you could live with me and be upset about something that didn’t have anything at all to do with me. She gently pointed out how self-centered that was and we talked through her stuff. But this happened multiple times!

Stop assuming that your grumbly co-worker is upset at you. Stop expecting that if your significant other is upset it’s because you did something wrong. Stop attempting to read people’s minds. Stop trying to manage mysterious or imaginary emotions of others.

Let people be in charge of their own emotions. If they have something they need to say to you, let them. Be accessible, be judgment-free, be supportive every time they do bring you their issues. But you can’t manage their emotional health and still maintain yours.

And most importantly, stop adjusting yourself based on your perception of their feelings. Stop trying to anticipate their response or feelings. And if you feel like you are in a relationship where you have to do that, really evaluate whether that is a healthy or safe relationship. If you are in a relationship where you have to modify your behavior to please another person or avoid upsetting another person, that is a textbook marker for a domestic violence situation and you should really be evaluating whether this relationship is worth continuing.

Bottom line is that people need to use their words. And if you feel the need to modify your life smooth their feathers rather than requiring that they tell you what’s bothering them, you’re unlikely to have a fulfilling relationship with that person. As I’ve said a million times over – communication is key.