Words have power. We know that. But words have different meanings to different people and we need to remember that as well.

I am firm believer that poor communication is the cause of every problem in the world. Maybe not every but just about. Every divorce case I have worked on has come down to disfunctional communication. Every resisting arrest case I have dealt with has come down to failed communication.

Because the reality is that the way we mean something isn’t necessarily the way the other side hears the same thing. If you want to be an effective communicator, your intent doesn’t matter – the recipient’s understanding is what matters.

I fall on the sword. I have made huge headway with difficult clients, simply by apologizing. Regardless of whether I think I’m wrong, if they need to hear that I was wrong in order for them to stop being defensive and be open to a conversation with me, I’m happy to apologize. Because who cares? I care more about the relationship with that person and the goal that we are trying to reach. How we get there isn’t nearly as important as that we get there.

I put myself in their shoes. After decades working with people from different backgrounds, different cultures, different socio-economic upbringings, with different trauma experiences and triggers, I fully recognize that what I think is normal may not be what my client thinks is normal. I need to know where they’re coming from in order to be able to communicate with them. I let them talk. I ask them questions. I want to know about them, what they’re like, where they’re coming from, what matters to them. You’d be shocked at just how big a difference it can make just to take the time to make someone feel like they matter. Most of us probably don’t get to feel that way on a daily basis. I have a boyfriend that adores me and a dog that is obsessed with me and I still have moments where I feel ignored. Most people just to want to feel like what they have to say actually matters. Truly listening to what they have to say and where they’re coming from can make a night and day difference in the functionality of the conversation.

Give them time. For a lot of people, it’s the process of getting to an agreement that matters. Giving them the opportunity to work through things, to truly discuss and provide context and develop an understanding of each other’s motivations can be a huge component of actually being able to work together. Be patient. Give them the time to vent, to process, to cool down, whatever they need. I often tell my clients that I don’t want them to make a big decision on the same day we first discuss it. I will usually try to force them to take some time to think things through. This does two things – it gives them the time they actually want to talk it through with others, mull it over in their heads, and fully process it; but it also makes it clear to them that I’m not trying to push them into a particular decision. I am not rushing them and it’s important to us both that they have enough time to really make the right decision for themselves.

I don’t take a position. This is another huge issue sometimes. When I am advising a client, it is truly that – just advice. I make it clear that it’s their decision because they’re the ones that will have to experience the consequence. My trademark line is “I get to go home and sleep in my own bed regardless of the outcome of our trial. You are the one that has to live the consequences, so you are the one that has to make the decision, not me.” Actively avoiding putting pressure on them to take a particular deal or accept a particular settlement offer makes it clear to them that I’m on their team and only here to help them. That immediately helps our communication and trust and we often end up in the same place I expected we’d be, but the client is much more content with the outcome because they had more control and involvement in getting there.

The bottom line is, we need to know the other side in a conversation. We need to know their motivations, their sensitivities, and their priorities. Because the way I mean a particular phrase is often not at all how the other side receives it. If we are not paying attention to what we say and who is listening, we are accidentally causing friction or confusion and limiting our ability to get anything constructive done.

I think about how different generations communicate, how different cultures communicate, different genders, different parts of the world even. It is all so circumstantial. Certain words are hot-button in some areas and standard fare in others. Some words are absolutely common in one generation and have a completely alternate meaning in a different generation.

The have to be more thoughtful in our communication. We need to pay attention to not only our own intent, but the possibility for misunderstanding based on who the reader or listener is. This is incredibly hard in the era of emails and text without even a face or sometimes even name or gender behind it. Do your best. Be prepared to apologize. Actively work toward functional communication.

And give people grace. Assume the best intention, not the worst. Give them the benefit of the doubt if there is a potential for misunderstanding. Don’t be quick to conclude the worst.

Communication is hard. But it’s worth the effort. Finding ways to come together instead of moving further apart is an incredibly important skill to build.