Avoiding hard conversations in relationships just postpones difficulties. That anxiety and concern over the outcome of the conversations just festers and builds and ends up manifesting in more ways than you’d think.

Studies have shown that avoiding difficult conversations forces us to focus on protection and survival instead of growth and adaptation. This ends up manifesting in unsurprising ways like emotional distress but it can also generate an increase in overall inflammation and overall reduced immune responses in your body.

By avoiding these conversations and topics, we are stuck in a stagnant and negative state. We build a habit of avoidance. We avoid hard things in other areas of life, not just the difficult conversation or discussion. That habit of avoidance and survival-mode manifests in other areas. We are less likely to avoid challenging physical exertions, we are less likely to learn new skills or build new habits. We are less likely to change any aspect of our lives because we have built the habit of just coping with what we have.

I see this often in long-term relationships that come into my office. The potential client has been in a dissatisfying relationship that has been dissatisfying for years. Sometimes it has been that way for decades. But it hasn’t been too dissatisfying. It hasn’t been so bad that they were forced to address it, they just dealt with it. And now something has changed. The bad behavior has gotten worse, or they’ve finally been convinced they deserve better. Oftentimes however, what went on in the years or decades of the bad-but-not-so-bad-I-had-to-do-something-about-it period can’t be undone. There are often wasted assets or credit card debts or expensive purchases that now both parties are on the hook for.

Have the tough conversations. If you aren’t on the same page, it is far better for everyone involved now and in the future to rip off the band-aid. Your physical and mental health can suffer over the course of long-term avoidance and tolerance of bad behavior. Daily anxiety and frustration and minor abuses and disappointments results in long-term adjustments in your mental processes and outward personality. You convince yourself that each of these things is normal and acceptable and not impacting who you are, yet it is.

You’ll find yourself coming up with excuses not to go home because home isn’t a safe haven, it’s a source of anxiety. You will find yourself making excuses for your partner with friends and family and end up distancing yourself from those people because it’s easier than constantly defending your partner and their actions. In short, your avoidance of that difficult conversation results in more avoidance in more ways until you have cultivated a habit of avoiding anything difficult or challenging.

Face the thing head on. Even if it is only to yourself at first. Write it out in a journal or note to yourself. Practice processing your frustration and explaining the issues. Articulate your unhappiness so that it is easier to bring up when you are sharing it with the person that matters. Set up regular check ins to talk about how things are going in your relationship so that it’s not “a confrontation” every time you have such a conversation.

Work on it yourself first. Practice getting it out, even if you aren’t getting it to the person that matters at first. That helps stop the habit of avoidance and starts the wheels turning to address whatever the issues are.

Holding your anxiety and frustration inside has negative physical and biological impacts as well as just the mental. Build the habit of getting it out, even if it is only to your own private source. Build the habit of expressing and articulating your issues and delving into the underlying issues. And then expand that habit to be addressing the issues with the person that needs to hear them.

Face the thing. It’s healthier all around.