Venting is my love language. Agonizing to my village is a large component of my relationships. And vice versa. I’m the person people call when they need to rant. But how healthy is that really?

Recently, one of my close friends had major drama and a scheduled “relationship discussion” phone call with another friend. We talked for hours about what to expect, how to address things, how she was feeling about the status of their friendship, whether she really wanted it to move forward at all, and in the process she kept spinning herself higher and higher into a frustrated state. Reflecting on the issues in that relationship was just pissing her off. Our conversation was helping in some respects but really it was giving her more opportunity to focus on her frustration.

I am the worst about this. I rely on group think whenever I am dwelling on an issue. I’ve realized though, that what helps me most is when I’m mulling it over during a run or when I sort out my thoughts in a journal entry. When I calm myself and check in with my own thoughts is when I’m the most satisfied with a solution.

It is hard not to rant to others. That’s a lot of our bonding as women. We have book club and coffee breaks and happy hour to vent. Our phone calls are support groups. But in doing that, we lose our ability to self-soothe. We can’t calm our own storms.

It isn’t anyone else’s job to pull us out of our own problems. We have to rely on ourselves first and foremost. Absolutely build your village and rely on friends, but not as a first line of defense. You are your own primary support. Everyone else is secondary. You have to be able to count on yourself. Cultivate that skill.