Love is not contingent. Love is constant. Love comes without strings. You do not have to do chores or contribute to the household or slave to your partner to earn their love. You do those things because you are a partner, a team member, a co-pilot. But the love you receive should be entirely disconnected to whether or not you contribute.

I’ve had a number of people come into my office over the years and talk about all the things they have to do at home and how their spouse does basically nothing. But if my client doesn’t do their work the other spouse derides them for being lazy and useless.

This dynamic is not uncommon. And it’s not necessarily connected to gender. I get lots of men in my office being treated this way as well as women. Their partners manipulate them with phrases like, “If you loved me you would do X”, and “Why don’t you love me enough to do X or buy me Y.”

Manipulation is all it is. Love does not have strings attached. Love is voluntarily given. It is a genuine gift.

If you are being derided for

• Not making enough money or working hard enough
• Not cleaning or cooking well enough
• Not being fit and put together at all times
• Spending too much money on household necessities
• Being “stupid”
• Being “boring”
• Being “useless”

and a few other similar things, you are not being loved. This behavior is not loving and respecting behavior. This is manipulative behavior from someone who does not respect or consider you their partner.

Only you can decide whether to accept that treatment; but this is not love. Love does not have to be earned. Love is a gift. You accept it and bask in it. It is not a sentence.