Even the best laid plans can fall apart. No matter how thorough and well-researched you are in your planning, there are factors outside your control and sometimes those factors destroy your plans. Learning how to switch gears and figure out next steps from there can be the difference between success and failure in the long term.

In my divorce practice I can usually categorize clients into two categories just about from the beginning of our acquaintance. There are clients who, even while they are lamenting the end of their relationship and grieving that ending, are looking forward to the future and what their life can look like. They are thinking of possibilities and opportunities. Those are the clients that will come out of the end of their relationship in the best shape – regardless of their finances or circumstances in the outcome of their case, they will be the ones that fare the best in the long run.

The other type of client is the one who is stuck in the grieving stage. They are angry and afraid and sad that their relationship is ending and they focus on placing blame and focus on all of the negative aspects of the split. They cannot see opportunity or positivity on the horizon because they are so focused on what they are losing and focused on that it is ending. They feel victimized and they place blame on their former partner for ruining their lives. Their future will not be the one they envisioned and they will forever be mad about that. They tend not to move on after the divorce. They tend not to have new hobbies or new relationships, and blame their former spouse for any hardship they experience in their new lives. For some this lasts a few years, for some this lasts decades, but invariably they struggle to process the loss and move forward.

Figuring out how to address the circumstances you’re in – whether they were part of the plan or not – and look for opportunities in those circumstances is a fundamental piece to being happy and content with your life.

Things that feel like failures can often be the best tests of your own character and confidence. You learn that you can live through more than you thought. You learn that there are other opportunities out in the world that you wouldn’t have been looking for if your plan had worked out the first time around.

When things don’t go according to plan, learn to pivot. Look around for the opportunities available. When you can’t do something, start figuring out what you can do.

I failed the bar exam the first time I took it. I was devastated. I hadn’t failed at anything significant at that point in my life. But I had rent to pay so I had to figure something out. I started working a retail job and found a part time job filing for a local law firm. The filing job helped me learn a whole new area of law I knew nothing about and the retail job helped me practice interacting with non-lawyers and built my speaking and persuasion skills. By the time I got in front of a jury, I was very comfortable talking to normal people because I’d spent years learning about how they make decisions and the things that are and are not persuasive for people that haven’t spent years in the bubble of law school. Those skills turned out to be among the most useful components of my career.

Failure is a part of life. It’s devastating in the moment. But it is an opportunity for learning and growing too. Take your time to process and be devastated, but also look around for the opportunities that might be presented. You never know what may end up being a priceless lesson that you’d never have had if things went according to your plan.

Process the ending of things. Understand your limitations. But also look for the opportunities those endings and limitations may open up. So maybe you can’t do A, B, and C, but what can you do? You can be sad and excited at the same time. Find a new hobby or self-care routine, learn a new skill, pivot into a new career, travel to the other side of the world, find things you’ve thought about but never actually considered because your real life was in the way. If your real life is changing, maybe now is the time to revive old dreams.

Look for the opportunity for improvement or change. Don’t get stuck in the sad.