No. Just no. Not “no because…”. Just no.

Women especially have a hard time just being firm in their refusal. We feel, either by nature or nurture I’ve never been able to tell, that we owe people an explanation.

We do not.

When I was a kid I went through a “why” phase, as I’m sure most kids do. “But why do I have to do that?” or “Why is that the rule?” or “Why can’t I do what XX does?” My mom’s favorite answer was “Because I said so”. The end. No explanation, no invitation for further discussion, just no.

But somehow in regular life we aren’t so definite. “Oh I’d love to come but I’m out of town that weekend” instead of “No thank you”. We can’t just opt out of things, without some justification. We can’t just decide not to talk to a stranger at a bar, we have to tell them we’re in a relationship or that we have to get home to our dogs. We make excuses because we don’t expect that our No will be honored or socially acceptable.

No is a boundary and we are bad at setting those. No is a statement of our feeling or position and we don’t expect that those will be considered important.

The power that comes from an unaltered “No” is huge though. When your boss asks you to stay late with no overtime or other incentive because we all need to be “team players” and you just say No? That is a strong and firm boundary telling them that there are other things in your life that you value and this job is not your family. When a strange guy asks to buy you a drink and you don’t feel comfortable or interested and you just say “No thanks” and walk away? Your night stays comfortable and fun without any unwanted guilt or obligation compelling you to be nice to this stranger.

You don’t owe people your time or energy. You can politely decline without any excuse or future opening or justification for your position. You don’t need to justify your position. You get to feel however you want and you don’t owe it to others to accommodate them.