In so many of my divorce cases, my client will spend so much time and energy being angry at the way their soon-to-be ex has treated them. That anger often dissipates after the first month or so – people learn to cope with their new life, they figure out what it’s going to look like and the fear stops controlling them. People start moving on.

However, for certain clients, they just can’t let it go. They are wronged and they will not make decisions for their best interests or their future until they get an apology from this person that hurt them. In my experience, that client is never going to be satisfied. They have decided they are a victim and that is how they will see themselves in the world in the future.

This type of thinking gives away so much of your future happiness and mental health. When you expect or require an apology from someone, you are giving them control over whether or not you can be happy. You can tell them how you feel, you can tell them what you want from them, but if they aren’t willing to give you that, you have to have an exit strategy from that conversation that doesn’t make your ability to be happy or content completely contingent on whether they apologize to you.

If you have a cheating significant other that wrongs you in every possible way, they’re not in a mental space to be thinking about the impacts of their behavior. If they cared about your well-being, they wouldn’t be cheating on you in the first place. Cheating is a symptom of a bigger problem, it isn’t the cause of the problem. This person most likely isn’t going to apologize in a meaningful way to you. But you’re still going to give them the ability to impact your future happiness?

You’re going to put all that energy and time into holding a grudge and preserving that negativity? To what end? What purpose does that serve? Does holding that blame keep you happy? Does it make you feel like you are important? What do you gain from bearing that ill will to the person that wronged you?

The longer you wait around for an apology, the longer that person matters in your life. You let that person that wronged you still take your time and energy and focus. The best “revenge” is to nothing that person. You don’t demand an apology, you don’t wish or speak negatively about them, you literally just pretend they don’t exist in the world anymore and move along.

Waiting around for an apology means you’re giving them access to your mental health. Don’t give that away. Move forward.