How often have you been frustrated because a child or a partner or a friend isn’t behaving in a way you think they should? They’ve ignored you or they’ve shown up belligerent, or they haven’t shown up at all? That person is telling you something with their language.

We’ve all heard “If someone shows you who they are, believe them.” But do we really do that very well?

If your child is acting out and misbehaving, they’re telling you something. Are you looking for that or are you reacting to the behavior? If your spouse is ignoring or mistreating you, they are telling you something. Do you hear it? Or are you just reacting to the action.

Sometimes people can’t figure out how to use their words or they shy away from conflict. So instead of explaining things they show us what they want to tell us.

You don’t get any special brownie points for just taking it. There are no prizes for the martyrs or the “stayers” who turn a blind eye to ill behavior and just shoulder the burden and carry on. Their behavior is telling you something. So listen and respond to that message.

That message may not be one you want to hear. It may be one they’ve tried to tell you and you shut it down or reacted in a way they can’t delve back into. Behavior says something. If someone wants to be with you they will. If they don’t, they won’t. The only things you can control is your response to that behavioral message.

The most tragic thing I see in my professional life are the people that are intentionally ignoring the messages. When one partner wants out and is expressing that by completely mistreating the other partner, and the mistreated one just absorbs it and takes that treatment without batting an eyelash – that’s tragic to me. That bullying partner is silently shouting that they are unhappy. And the other partner is ignoring that message altogether and carrying on. There’s no good answer to that dynamic. The only answer is escalation of these behaviors, which can sometimes get into scary and sometimes criminal circumstances.

Behavior is language. Listen to the message and respond with your own behavior.