Navigating conflict is one of the biggest challenges in a relationship. You each come with your own baggage and your own interpretations of other people’s statements and perspectives. And you each come with your own personality and sensitivity. That makes turning mole-hills into mountains a really easy thing.

I struggle with this in my personal and my professional life. I counsel my clients not to interpret a certain response or perceived slight as coming directly from their soon-to-be-former spouse, but recognize it may be something their lawyer has pushed for negotiation purposes. But reactions get big and lines get drawn in the sand.

In the beginning of my career I worked for a divorce attorney who charged close to $300 per hour. He would prepare for trial for hours and hours. Oftentimes he had billed more than $6,000 for the trial before he even walked into the courtroom. I remember a case that was headed for trial, with both clients in intractable positions and the only thing still at issue was a used tractor that everyone agreed was worth $2500. They had all drawn lines in the sand and the steamroller was moving.

I find myself becoming a steamroller sometimes when my husband and I disagree. He is super conflict averse in his personal life. Professional life, he is absolutely fine with it, but between the two of us he hates it with a passion. Conflict bothers me in the aftermath but not in the midst of it. I’ll come in hot, accusing and high energy. He’ll look at me like any step he takes is lava, which makes me feel terrible but then also I don’t feel like we get to talk about the original thing I was mad about.

Fighting effectively is hard. Especially if you have family trauma or prior relationship baggage that any new conflict dredges up. Different personalities make it more challenging too. I’m an erupter. I build up and explode and then it’s over and I’m good. My husband is a festerer. He gnaws on something for awhile and replays it in his head with different outcomes.

In a relationship, you have to at least attempt to be sensitive to how the other person deals with conflict. If you grew up with or were in a relationship with someone who was loud and abusive, you are not going to easily respond to conflict that starts that way.

We spend a lot of time communicating impulsively. We don’t spend a lot of time trying to communicate in a way that will be received effectively. So what matters more? You getting it out? Or the thing you’re trying to say actually landing the way you meant it to?

My mom used to tell me to think before I speak. I’m still terrible at it, but I’m better than I used to be. Thinking about the words and tone and approach that is most going to resonate with my audience has gotten me a long way. When I am speaking to an overbearing and demanding client, I am asking them how they would do something. When I am having a functional argument with my husband, I’m asking him how he would feel if I treated him the way he just treated me. When I’m arguing against the death penalty to someone who supports it for moral reasons, I am discussing the huge financial burden of actually putting someone on death row as opposed to a lifetime prison sentence.

Dealing with conflict in a constructive way is about figuring out how to convey your message in a way that will actually be heard by the other side. When I come in hot and accusatory to an argument with my husband he shuts down. When I take an aggressive position in a legal case, opposing counsel digs in and doesn’t even try to negotiate. These aren’t methods that get me anywhere close to resolution.

The whole point of fighting and conflict and dispute is that they have a resolution in the end. It gets something out in the open. It moves things in a direction. Figuring out how to frame the issue in a functional way that actually gets it across to the other side means things are more likely to move in a direction you want.

Know your audience. Think before you speak or act. Have the argument you intended to have. And move things forward in the direction you want.