I read a quote recently that just hit me hard. “Stop trying to prove you love someone by how much you can endure.” Oof. That resonated way too much with me.

Moreso in my younger days, but even sometimes now, I have spent a lot of my life putting on a happy face and being grateful for crumbs of love and attention just trying to prove to someone that I was loyal. Life is too short for this, and invariably this style of relationship lands you the most manipulative sorts of people.

It is a trope in entertainment that you can treat someone like garbage and they’ll just keep coming back. We see it on screen, we hear it in music, we read it in stories and here’s the kicker – that person is never the main character. The person that keeps enduring and coming back when they’re treated like nothing is not the complete story. Either the relationship ends anyway and it’s not a significant component of the storyline, or the character says enough and we follow them through their empowering transformation.

Recognizing for yourself that you deserve to be treated well and respected is a game-changer. When you set expectations – reasonable and fair expectations – you will find people that meet you on that level. If you are grateful for tiny morsels of attention and respect, people will give you tiny morsels. If you set the expectation that you are someone to be respected, people will give you the level of respect you demand.

Let me say that again: People will give you the level of respect you demand.

I have told senior attorneys to get out of my office because certain language is unacceptable. I have respectfully explained to judges that I am unavailable to schedule something on a certain day. This is boundaries 101. It’s not easy, especially with people in positions of authority or seniority, but when you set the tone and are consistent with it, people will respect those boundaries more and more. By contrast, if you do not set the tone and just “make it work”, people are more and more likely to push you and take advantage of your willingness to make it work. Then that attitude of going above and beyond just translates to the regular expectation.

Relationships are all about managing expectations. Set your boundaries where you want to be treated. Protect those boundaries like they are sacred. Not everyone will like them. Let that be ok. Those boundaries are for you, not them.

People will give you the level of respect you demand.