So often we find ourselves working so hard to help others and solve problems that aren’t our own when we aren’t actually able to help ourselves.

I have so many clients that report to me how they are providing homes for their adult children while being unable to pay the mortgage on their own. I know so many friends who are caring for grandchildren or niblings on an almost full-time basis but have zero time for their own self-care.

The number of times I have counseled a client that they can’t save anyone if they are falling apart themselves is more than I can count on all my fingers and toes. You have to find your own stability health level before you can solve other people’s problems.

You have given your adult children the tools to face the world. Let them test themselves a bit more. Trust that they can handle it. Be there to provide emotional support, but not physical or financial support if that’s where you are struggling. Similarly, if you are financially stable with a big empty house, provide them that support but don’t put yourself in the position of being their “rock” or sounding board if you are going through your own emotional journey and building yourself back.

You cannot expect to be all things to all people all of the time. And it is not a kindness to the people that rely on you when you just handle everything all the time. They do not build the tools to be self-reliant when you take care of everything well into the season of their life when they should be able to take care of themselves.

If you are struggling with addiction and your sobriety is not yet stable, you are not in a position to assist another addict. If you are not financially stable and consistently able to pay your own bills, you are not in a position to lend others money. If you are overwhelmed caring for your own kids, you are not in a position to take in or have more. These circumstances where people are spread too thin are the circumstances where problems happen – those stressors lead to breaks in sobriety or loss of housing or kids that aren’t adequately supervised or a million other things that you would never do if you had enough sleep and stability and peace.

Square yourself away first. Protect your peace. Even if that means telling people you love no. Even if it means you have to admit that you aren’t perfect and can’t in fact handle everything the world throws at you. Focus on quality. Focus on sustainability. Focus on the micro not the macro. Because if your foundation is solid and peaceful, then when you are called on to expand, you actually have the bandwidth to provide.

Care for yourself. You will be in a much better position to care for others when the time comes.