So many times I see and hear people demanding respect based on their position or circumstance. I reject that entirely. I have seen judges be petty and gossip. I have seen teenagers carry a family on their shoulders with responsibility.

The idea that certain people in certain positions can behave rudely or cruelly and they deserve respect is nothing more than the patriarchy disguising bullying and something else.

You earn respect through your actions and your wisdom. No person is entitled to it. Frankly, I don’t think a person is entitled to anything. Respect comes through respectful actions. I will respect you based on your choices, your statements, your interactions with others, and your general behavior. I will not respect you based on your age, circumstance, gender, or net worth.

That being said, there are circumstances where deference is appropriate in the moment. I think it is appropriate to start from a place of respect unless or until that person has proven they don’t deserve it. That’s the wisdom component. If you sit in the middle of a courtroom and call a judge names because you don’t respect their decision, you aren’t going to get anywhere with that complaint. But there are ways to make your complaint where it will be heard and validated.

People are not entitled to your time and attention. I loved my grandparents, but one of them in particular was exceedingly toxic. At 17 I verbally chastised her. We didn’t talk for a few days. In law school she told me I was a disappointment and we didn’t talk for years. I didn’t actively tell her off, I didn’t badmouth her to the rest of the family, I just decided that my life was better when she wasn’t a part of it.

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. You decide whether the expectation of respect is more important than your personal well-being. You can be respectful in the moment and make appropriate changes so that behavior doesn’t happen again.

Start from a place of respect, but know that you do not have to subject yourself to unhappiness simply because you are supposed to respect this person that hasn’t earned it.