I read somewhere the other day about a “softgirl” life. The theory is basically to not give anything “your all” because you won’t have anything left over for the rest. The prize for winning a pie eating contest is more pie.

I spoke with a woman this morning who is close to retirement age. Her husband died suddenly four years ago. Throughout her career she regularly worked twelve hour days, even after her husband retired from his career. She told me that that’s her lifetime regret. She didn’t go home at five so she could sit at the table with him and have dinner. And now that she doesn’t have that option she distinctly regrets not making that effort and choosing her career. For reference, she works for a government entity. No part of her defined job description or requirements mandated that she work twelve hour days. And yet, she went “above and beyond” for her entire career. Her health has suffered and her relationship came second to her job. And she now has regrets that she prioritized as she did.

I saw a post about a college professor who used to say “anything worth doing is worth doing poorly.” Something is better than nothing. And accepting that and prioritizing according to your values is the key to work life balance.

I’ve landed on the philosophy that effort is what matters in life. Consistent effort will overcome a lot of natural ability. Consistent moderate effort is how progress happens. This is true in running and strength training and learning and work and child rearing and literally just about anything you want to do and improve at. Consistent effort, even on a minimal level, because something is better than nothing.

Swigging mouthwash is better than nothing when you can’t muster the energy to brush your teeth. Clean underwear is better than just wearing all the same clothes again if a shower seems too daunting. If your kids buy school lunch a few times a week because you haven’t found the time to go grocery shopping, they will still learn. I shunned my mother’s homemade lunches early in elementary school and never looked back. And everyone’s lives still turned out ok and I still knew my mother loved me.

Show up. Even if you can’t be the parent that brings snacks and makes team shirts for every different sport. Put your effort into your work but remember what they are (and are NOT) paying you for and that the company will figure out a way to continue without you, but your family might have a harder time replacing you. Remember that you are not able to support other people when you’re burned out.

Live softly. Phone it in when you need to. Prioritize intentionally not based on momentum. And if you have to tell your kids “not this year” or “not this season” for an activity or sport, there’ll be more. Set the tone that not every minute has to be filled with a structured activity. Set the tone that it’s ok for you take time for yourself and not make their happiness a priority at the expense of your own all the time. Set the tone that you can’t give your all to everything all the time and it is completely ok to recognize and accept that.

You have nothing to prove. And you’re doing better than you think. But life can be softer and gentler. Eat some pre-cooked meals from time to time. Order pizza. Go home at five. Give yourself a break. You’re not being graded by anyone other than yourself.

It’s trite but it’s true – you get one life. Don’t miss it working toward someday.

Live softly today so you can still enjoy someday.