In the past few days especially I have had a number of friends and potential clients berate themselves for “putting up with so much” or something along those lines.

They’ll talk about a million different ways their partners failed them and feel such shame for not kicking that person to the curb sooner. They look back on their own tolerance and feel stupid for letting things go as long as they did.

But when I ask them why they did, it’s always something along the lines of “I had to keep trying”. And THAT is the takeaway people forget to see. They had to do everything in their power. That’s why they stayed as long as they did.

So often when relationships end badly one party feels stupid. They should have seen the warning signs or they can’t believe they enabled bad behavior as long as they did or they are so ashamed that they let themselves get lost somewhere in the midst of this relationship. When you feel that way you are being so unfair to yourself.

You did your best.

That’s the part that mattered. You don’t want to leave a relationship and wonder if you actually tried or put in the effort to keep it together. But when a partner stops being a partner and starts abusing the privilege of being with you, you don’t have to keep investing yourself into it.

When your significant other gets upset that you’re trying to better yourself or doesn’t want you to work or have friends (like any friends) or you find yourself paying for everything without a reason or timeline (like one of you is getting a degree or starting a business or it’s a joint investment in your future) that is a scenario worth evaluating…hard.

The bottom line is don’t let yourself be taken advantage of, but don’t beat yourself up if you look back and realize you let that happen. You were being the supportive partner you want and expect. If your partner didn’t step up and rise to that challenge, that’s their failing not yours. You are not stupid. You should not be ashamed of your faith and belief in your partner. You are a freaking unicorn and don’t let anyone tell you different!