Have you ever been in an argument with someone and you’re both so dug in to your positions that neither of you can move even a little bit without “giving in”? I have. I am stubborn as all hell. And I always have been. My parents talk about how conflicts with me were a negotiation even when I was four or five.

They learned that they couldn’t back me into a corner in an argument, they had to leave a door open. That holds true today. If you want to resolve an argument with someone, you have to give them a way out where they can save face.

This can mean recognizing that you were misinterpreting one another’s positions, this can mean acknowledging you come from different backgrounds or cultures so your priorities or understanding of things might be different.

If you can understand where the person is coming from and why in their argument, you can give them a graceful way out of the dispute.

The first thing I want to figure out is why this is a fight. Where are there emotions here? Is this issue triggering fear? anger? lack of control? In my experience, if someone is digging in in a position that is seemingly unreasonable, there’s a reason why. It may be to save face with other people – I know plenty of parents fighting for custody because they don’t want their kids to think they’ve just “given up on them”. It may be because other aspects of their lives feel so out of control that this is an issue they want to take control of. It may be that they are mad about the circumstances they find themselves in and this is how they are expressing them.

The key to getting out of an argument is to understand where the other person is coming from emotionally. Once you have a sense of where they are emotionally, you have a better idea of what they can reasonably discuss and work through and what they can’t. I can’t even count the number of cases I’ve had where the issues that seemed insurmountable at the beginning basically resolved themselves with a little time and lack of confrontation about the issues. Coming back to an issue when some of the heightened emotions have eased is one of the most useful tools in a discussion or negotiation.

When all you are getting in a conversation is no, ask why. And keep asking why. For instance:

A: “I want the house in the divorce”

B: “But you can’t afford it and I bought it before we were married.”

A: “I want it, so I guess I’ll see you in court.”

B: “Why do you want it?”

A: “I have to live somewhere.”

B: “But why this place?”

The response almost always because they don’t have anywhere else to go or that they don’t want to change by force. Those problems are much easier to solve.

You can give someone a way out that solves the underlying problem in a way they hadn’t thought of.

Keep asking why and you’ll find their way out. You can find solutions that don’t take things away from either one of you.

The flip side is don’t make it so impossible for them to change their position without shame that they dig in on principle. We all make mistakes, we all are just wrong sometimes, we all misunderstand things. Allowing someone a graceful retreat when something like that happens builds credibility and respect in future interactions. And also just makes you a decent person.

Be kind. Give grace, even when its not returned. Give them an exit strategy that allows the opposing side of an argument to leave with their self-respect intact.