I recently read an article that says 56% of women married to men leave the financial planning and investment decisions to their husbands. The same article shared the statistic that 80% of women lose their spouse to death or divorce.

Regardless of gender, in a lot of relationships there’s one person that “handles the finances”. This is especially true for older couples that didn’t have the benefit of online banking and direct deposit before they came together.

Money issues and a lack of financial transparency are among the most common reasons that relationships end. And even if it isn’t the cause of the relationship ending, it’s a significant cause of relationship problems. I can’t count the number of times I’ve had a client in my office complaining how their partner has been a reckless spender for years. But that same complaining partner has no idea what the household budget is, where the bills are or how to pay them.

Relationships are a team effort. Everyone should know and recognize the contribution of their teammates. Even with a strong relationship and division of labor, if only one person knows the financial circumstances you are both left vulnerable to financial trauma. The quickest way to see this is when one of the partners is taken out of the game. Illness or death can be catastrophic for the surviving partner if they don’t have a handle on where the money is and where it goes.

1. What accounts are there? My parents have four separate bank accounts. I am confident my dad doesn’t know that. He’s never been in charge of the bills. He literally calls my mom to ask which card to use when he’s at Costco. Meanwhile my mom has developed an intricate tapestry of savings and checking accounts at three different banks for multiple reasons over the years and connected certain ones of them to their retirement and investment accounts, but some not. It’s dizzying. After decades together, this kind of thing is a bit inevitable. You open a bank account so you can get a loan at a good rate through that bank, then you end up actually using that account for one specific thing, then you forget about it and use a different account as your primary or you open a joint account and there are drips and drabs of funds in multiple places.
2. Where does the money go? Are you aware of all of the sources of income in your household? What gets paid when? Is it automated or do you have to proactively pay certain bills? Are your bills shared or split up fairly? Are you saving or investing adequately? Do you both know the answers to these questions?
3. Have a money date. Fiance and I sit down at the beginning of every month and manually input all of our past month’s spending into a spreadsheet. It’s painful and terrible. But we’re jointly paying attention to what money is where. We are forcing ourselves to talk about money – despite how uncomfortable and vulnerable it makes us. It makes our relationship more robust, it makes us more resilient, and it gives us shared goals and strategies. Even if we keep our particular accounts separate, we have a shared plan and keep each other in mind as we spend throughout the month.

A healthy ability to communicate about money is crucial to a functioning relationship. A shared approach and understanding of your finances can prevent a lot of heartache and added trauma to already difficult situations. You don’t want to ever find yourself watching your spouse in a hospital bed while you’re freaking out because you can’t get the electrical bill paid. Make a plan, talk about what is where, keep each other informed.

The trust and confidence that comes from a shared understanding of your financial circumstances can be revolutionary for a relationship. Talk. Share. Learn. Plan. Give each other grace, and problem-solve together. Your relationship will be so much stronger and more satisfying if you are equals in the financial components.

I know for a lot of people this can be overwhelming or intimidating. It really doesn’t have to be. There are a lot of free entry-level resources for financial strategizing, budgeting, and healthy discussions about money. Here are a few:

Her First 100k – a blog and community specifically helping women understand and own their financial circumstances.

Clobare Money Coach – a normal-human-being approach to getting in control of debt and gaining confidence in financial knowledge and future planning.

Money With Katie – spin-instructor-turned-finance-nerd. Especially in her podcast, Katie dives deep on personal finance info and then explains them in an accessible way to the rest of us.

There are a lot more resources (all of these people are on Instagram and have a lot of other great colleagues/resources they reference. It’s a free place to learn a lot.) And they all have podcasts that are super informative. Throw them on during your dog walk or daily commute and become less intimidated and more in charge.

Share your financial information. Even if you don’t share your finances. If you are joint, you have to address these issues jointly.