It’s easy to get mad. But it is a response, not a cause. You aren’t just angry for the sake of it, you’re angry BECAUSE of something.

Think of this when your partner is angry or lashing out. Why are they angry? What’s causing this? If you can manage to look at that piece rather than reacting to their anger, you stand a much better chance of getting through it and solving an issue rather than causing a bigger one.

Why are you angry? Do you feel hurt or betrayed? Do you feel unimportant or unseen? Do you just feel frustrated and stuck?

What’s at the root of your anger? Anger is an easy feeling sometimes. It’s easier to just be frustrated and lash out than it is to confront the reason behind it. If I’m being a jerk to Fiance he knows me well enough to know that it’s usually because I’ve had a crappy day and someone was a jerk to me and rather than looking at that and letting it go, I’m passing it on to him. He makes me talk about it. He makes me process it. And that usually makes me let it go. That kind of awareness and communication takes work.

Do that work for yourself. It can be in a journal, it can be in your head, it can be ranting at a friend that will understand and help rather than lash back at you. When you’re angry or frustrated or pissed off, ask yourself why. What is causing this? Is it your job? Did someone cut you off in traffic? Did you not eat today? Have you been festering about something but you haven’t had the conversation about it?

Our insecurities and imbalance manifest in different ways. Sometimes it’s anger. To build up a relationship instead of tearing it down, we have to be able to look past the anger to the cause of it. Sometimes you need a snickers and a nap. Sometimes you need exercise. Sometimes you just need to end the day and start fresh tomorrow.

You are in control of your own anger, but you have to find the cause. You can’t control someone else’s anger, but you can help them find the cause. Don’t react, deescalate. It’s harder than we’d like it to be, but the communication and vulnerability that can come from these kinds of conversations strengthens a relationship like nothing else can.