I have so many people come in my office ready to file a divorce but feeling SOO guilty about being the one to end it.

The reality is their partner ended it long ago. They stopped being a partner. We see this a lot in long-term marriages where the responsibilities devolve and fall heavily onto one party. For this example I’ll say it’s the wife, but it happens both ways. One person handles it all and enables the other to check out.

After decades of (for our purposes) the wife handling all the bills, the kids’ schedules, the groceries, their own job, their own needs and social life, family obligations, while the husband just checks out or dabbles at various hobbies and jobs, the wife decides to call it and wants a divorce.

I can think of four clients in the last month that have come to me in this situation and the guilt they feel is overwhelming. They feel so bad for being “selfish”, when in fact they have indulged their partner’s selfishness for years.

You are allowed to be happy. You are in charge of your own happiness. If your partner can’t or won’t share your load and is making you unhappy, you are not required to just absorb that. We only get one shot at this life and spending years in an unhappy relationship with no plan for improvement is not your burden to bear.

If your spouse does not recognize, acknowledge, or care about your unhappiness there is no reason to expect it gets better. It takes two people to solve that problem and if they are not showing up to the table to address it, the problem won’t get solved. You NEED to be the one to make a change because they won’t. They don’t see the problem – their life is comfortable because you have made it that way.

Stop handling everything. Let your spouse see all the work and effort you put in to make their life so comfortable. Take a solo trip for a week and put them in charge of everything. Take the bills off autopay and put them in charge of the finances. Don’t remind them of important birthdays or calls to make. Make them be an adult.

But if those things don’t solve the problem, there is absolutely no justification to feel guilty for choosing your own happiness instead of theirs. There is no reason this adult human that you have partnered with for years is not just as capable of handling the world. The guilt you may feel is for all the enabling and problem solving you have done for them over the years. But finally deciding to prioritize yourself and your well-being is not anything to feel guilty about.

You deserve a partner, not a patient. You are not a caretaker, you did not sign up for an extra child. Make the expectation clear that you want a partner. If they can’t or won’t make that effort, neither should you.