I was just talking with someone about their divorce and they told me how they really just didn’t want to fight and wanted it to be over. But in the very next sentence they mentioned that they had gone to court to dispute a vehicle ownership and value and that they were disagreeing about whether this qualified as a domestic partnership relationship at some point and whether the other side was even entitled to a dissolution proceeding.

This person does want to fight. This person isn’t moving forward, they’re arguing about petty things. This person is not my client. I wouldn’t let a client do this. Either you want to fight or you don’t. If you don’t want to fight you don’t fight. The end.

If you are negotiating with someone and they give you an out, you take it. Unless that’s not really the reason you’re there in the first place. If you get a reasonable offer from the other side it’s not because the offer wasn’t reasonable, it’s because you want more process or you want to matter more or you’re hurt and feeling petty.

The same is true for them. It is really easy in a divorce case to underestimate the significance and influence of non-tangible things like emotional pain and hurt and pettiness. I’ve had cases where the other side set my client’s belongings in a box on the sidewalk in the rain and then said she’d made his stuff available to him. I’ve had a case where the husband disassembled all the motorcycles and ATVs they had acquired as a family so that when the things were appraised they were merely “parts” instead of working vehicles like they had been the week before.

People can get petty when their feelings are hurt. Recognize the motivation behind their actions and then address that issue not just the one on paper. If their feelings are hurt, give them a win. What are they holding out for? Is it something replaceable? Is it something that will cost less to replace than it will cost to pay your lawyer to fight about? Let it go. Let them win. What do you care? You’re moving on with life and this person doesn’t have a part of your future. Don’t give them the satisfaction. Unless that’s what they need. Let them feel like they matter if that’s the thing that they’re holding on to. Is a goodbye letter acknowledging the significance of the relationship but recognizing that it’s just not a fit anymore the thing that they really need? Are they disguising a need for closure with petty behavior?

Look into the motivation behind the action. Don’t fight for no reason. And don’t fight unintentionally. If your only reason for saying no is because “it’s the principle” congratulations, you have just discovered the most expensive phrase in the English language.

Let it go. There is very little that matters as much as your sanity and your future well-being. Close the door regardless of who “wins”. You win by being done and moving on. You lose if you let this fight dictate your present and your future.

End the fight. Regardless of the principle.