I met with a woman yesterday whose story is similar to genuinely half of my clients – she has been served with divorce papers and is an absolute wreck.

So many people find themselves in this circumstance and just panic. People react in a few different, and problematic, ways:

1. Panic – they make impulsive choices like clearing out bank accounts or changing locks or posting on social media and spend the rest of their case undoing this damage.
2. Denial – they refuse to acknowledge this is happening, are sure the other side will change their mind, and take no steps to move forward with the process until it is too late.
3. Anger – they destroy property, send hateful messages, alienate friends or family against the other party.
4. Pettiness – they take or destroy the relationships and property that matter to their soon-to-be former spouse.

It is completely normal to feel big feelings when you learn that your relationship is over. But none of the above reactions will make it easier for you or anyone else involved.

Looking for the “get back at them” option is not the way to move forward. Because the answer is, it’s not about them. It’s about you.

You need to get your ducks in a row. Start with the biggest priorities – are you eating, are you drinking water, are you getting exercise, are you finding something to make you smile every day? You cannot make good decisions and be organized in this process if you are not in your right mind. You need to find your daily routine and focus on you, not them or whatever they might be doing.

This will get better. It will get easier to look ahead. You are absolutely right and entitled to mourn your lost relationship and the future you thought you would have. What you expected from your life is now gone. It is completely fair to be sad about that.

What you cannot do is react. If your soon-to-be ex has a new partner, you cannot let them know you care. You cannot blame the new partner – no one cheats in a happy and healthy relationship. You cannot get back at them. You CANNOT give them your power and energy – you need that to move forward yourself.

Get your physical and mental health together. Stabilize your income and accounts. Get your documentation together – taxes, bank records, pay stubs, mortgage statements, vehicle titles and registration. This is all stuff you’ll need as you move forward with this process.

You job is to put one foot in front of the other until it gets better. Impersonate your normal self until you think you can actually be yourself. Go through your standard normal day until it comes naturally again.

Focus on you and your well being and you will get through this. Be gentle with yourself, but remember that your priority is now you, not them.