This may come as a shock to learn, but what we say matters less than how we say it.

You can only communicate effectively when you know and adjust to your audience. If your audience isn’t listening, you may as well be alone in the room. And as we evolve into a society that communicates less and less in person, we have lost a lot of understanding of non-verbal cues. This ability to communicate with a level of removal means that people are more willing to be rude or say things that they wouldn’t say in person. This may provide an opportunity for broader ideas to spread, but it also provides a forum for us to be hurtful to one another.

If you want your idea or comment to land you need to deliver it in a way that your audience will receive.

Your communication is not about your intent. It is about the audience’s reception of it. We hear this so many times when someone – usually in an older generation in my experience – uses a word or phrase that is no longer socially acceptable. When corrected or informed they are frustrated and “misunderstood”. But the crucial thing is they are upset that their intent isn’t that guiding factor, the audience’s reception is. We often see people truly hurt and offended on accident because the speaker was careless.

Careless communication causes a lot of arguments and tension in our society. Don’t be impulsive, be intentional.

If you must correct someone, do it with grace. They are far more likely to receive your correction if you do it in a judgment-free way than with derision or mockery. If their pride is not hurt, you have given them space to adjust without hurting their pride.

People are proud. Give them space to change without losing that pride. As a judge told me early in my career, it is important to give people something to “hang their hat on”. If you are correcting them, clarify that it’s easy to have missed this piece of data or things are changing so quickly, it’s understandable that we aren’t all up to speed.

Follow the golden rule – don’t be a jerk. You will likely find yourself in a vulnerable position and you would hope people give you a gentle correction rather than capitalizing on your weakness. Build relationships, build connections, be kind in your communication.

If you want to be heard you must present your ideas from a place of knowledge and support. Think before you speak and speak to be listened to, not just heard.