We can’t be everything. I am the worst at this. At various points in my life I have absolutely been the Yes girl who never lets anyone down, never says I don’t know how to help, never says I don’t have the time. I will be there for everyone all the time for everything forever.

And with that mentality we completely crack up. First and foremost, you have to come first. I don’t mean be a selfish cow that doesn’t have time for anyone else and flakes out any time she sort of almost makes plans. I mean you have to be self-aware and recognize when you don’t have the energy to give to something or someone. If you are struggling yourself, you can’t subjugate your own needs just to please others. At least that can’t be your default.

It’s like the warning they give on airplanes – you have to put your own facemask on first before assisting others. Because you are no good to anyone else when you’re falling apart. You don’t build a house on a cracked foundation…and other cliche phrases to impart the same meaning. Take care of you.

There is a time and a place when even if you’re struggling you show up for your friend or family or people. But not everyone. You don’t bend over backward to fix or solve something for someone that wouldn’t do the same to you. In law school I had a friend who was this person. She was a taker. I don’t even think it was intentional, she just didn’t really have someone to listen to her. We were good friends and adventure buddies and somewhere along the line I realized that our conversations were completely one-sided. I was her sounding board but she wasn’t mine. A few years after graduation we’d sort of drifted apart and she called me up to get together – she wanted me to be in her wedding. And I bent over backwards and spent way more money than I responsibly should have to make sure she was celebrated and that her wedding day was lovely and she was happy and smiling for the duration. And then I drove home after the wedding weekend and I’m pretty sure we’ve never spoken again.

Don’t do that. Cultivate deep friendships and save your bending over backward for those people that would do the same for you. Find the people that will bring you back to yourself and help you find your sparkle when you’ve lost it. Spend your time and money on people that genuinely care about you and about whom you genuinely care.

Especially for women it’s so easy to get caught up in the friend group dynamic and feel forced to cultivate relationships with people that you don’t independently enjoy. Stoppit. We’re not doing that anymore. Be authentic and give your limited time to people you truly value. And only those people.

When you spread yourself too thin, you can’t be the person you want to be for anyone. Be your best self to your best people and say no sometimes. It’s good for everyone.