Do you ever find yourself in an argument and you just do not understand why the other person has taken the position they have? They’re just ignoring all the brilliant facts you are presenting, or they are being petty and personal, or they are just. so. angry.?

Have you ever stopped and tried to figure out where they’re coming from and what their motivation is? In my client prep for custody mediation I always talk with my clients about that. What does the other person actually want? Is it more time with the kids? Is it not to be replaced as their parent? Is it lower child support? Is it involvement in a particular special activity? Is it just to keep my client from “winning”? What is the real thing we’re fighting over? In cases where the other side is representing themselves, I’ll often be very friendly and non-threatening to that party just to try to sort out what their overall motivation is. Because more often than not both parents can have their main priorities met without taking from the other. They realize what they thought they were fighting about isn’t even close to the actual thing they were fighting about.

This happens all the time. We assume we know what the other person is upset about, but we hardly ever actually ask. We hardly ever actually listen to what they’re concerned about or what the hangup is. I use phrases like “help me understand why X” and “Tell me more about that” and just “why?” without a bratty or confrontational tone. The simple act of inquiring without judging can get a lot of information out and a lot of air cleared.

The first step to a successful conversation or negotiation is to figure out where the other side is coming from. Get the picture from their perspective. Figure out what they’re focusing on and what their information is. If you can understand their perspective you’re more likely to find some common ground to start from.

Putting yourself in their shoes may be hard, but we can do hard things.