Being the bad guy is hard for a lot of us. Strong boundaries and being “mean mommy” goes against the nature of a lot of people for a lot of reasons. For children of trauma, reducing conflict is a gut instinct. For people accustomed to excess, strict rules and processes may not come naturally. Those of us that are constantly stretched too thin just don’t have the energy to fight or stick to our own rules and boundaries when our batteries are burned out. Because reasons. It’s fine and it’s human.

Now take all of those reasons you’re uncomfortable with conflict and decide you’re ready to end a relationship. If you are the one choosing to end it, you have to be prepared to be the villain in the other person’s story.

I’ll say it again – YOU will be the villain. No matter how unfair or untrue that may be, according to them it will be your fault.

You pushed them to find someone new because you were checked out. You worked too much and were never there for them. You didn’t value their interests. You just don’t understand them and their goals. Whatever it is, in their story you’ll be the bad guy.

THIS DOES NOT MEAN IT IS TRUE. IT DOES NOT MATTER WHAT THEY THINK. I can scream it again for those in the back. These are some of the hardest things for people to deal with when they’re ending relationships – especially long-term ones and those with kids. Your ex may trash you to your kids. This is terrible and damaging to the kids and is absolutely not something that should ever happens. But when people are hurt they do and say terrible things. And when people are left they are often hurt. So it happens. It shouldn’t. It doesn’t mean they are right.

There is a reason you are leaving them. Part of it is probably because they don’t take accountability for things. If they don’t take accountability for things during your relationship why on earth are we expecting that they will when it’s ending? It is so much easier for them to convince themselves and anyone who will listen that you’re heartless unfeeling person that’s ruined their life.

Be strong. It is not true. You have your reasons and that is all that matters. But this is why counseling and journaling and support groups can be so important during a process like this. You have to be strong to work through something like this. When someone you once loved is now your arch nemesis because they’ve framed the narrative that way, it’ll be a gut punch you may not have prepared for.

Try to remove yourself from the emotion of it and see why they’re doing this. They didn’t make the choice to end it, you did. They are reacting and probably scrambling because they may not have seen this coming – despite every indication you could possibly give them. They are hurting and lashing out and trying to gain some semblance of control back in their lives by hurting you the way you’ve hurt them.

All of these big emotions simmer down to some extent. Usually it’s time. Sometimes it’s distance. The most important thing you can do is find indifference. If they need you to be the villain in order to look themselves in the mirror and live with what they see, you have to accept that. You can’t control how they think of you, but you can control whether it matters to you.

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.