Navigating a relationship is tough. That’s not news. But for those of us still learning how to have a relationship and be in a relationship and communicating in a relationship, every minute is a learning experience. And sometimes that’s exhausting.

I had been largely single my entire life until my mid thirties. I was a complete adult person before I started relationshipping. I was relatively well balanced, I had done a fair amount of self-development, I thought was I relatively in touch with myself. It’s so quaint when I think back on it.

There are things I had no idea about. We don’t see ourselves really until the mirror of a relationship is put in front of us and we are forced to see ourselves as others do. Turns out I have a “happy food dance” at virtually every meal. I had no idea. I’m basically Winnie the Pooh. I also turn into a toddler when my blood sugar is low. I get whiney and cranky and easily frustrated and really all I need is a snack. Boyfriend and my assistant have both independently figured this out and each carry snacks at the ready…

But I did always know that I’m a group-think processor. I know that I need to crowd source any major decisions or issues in my life through at least three or four close friends and/or family members in order to decide how I really feel about something. I need to discuss challenges a few times over before I figure out how to deal and move forward. I try to spread it around so I’m not burdening any one person overly much.

Then relationshipping happened and I literally have one person to burden with ALL THE THINGS. And what about the things that are about him?! What do I do with those?

A good friend and I were just having this conversation. She’s navigating the same issues from a much newer place in a relationship. How do you learn what to share and what not to share? How do you figure out what stays between the two of you and what you take to an outside source? And what is that source? A close friend? A family member of yours or theirs? A therapist? It’s hard to sort out, but the questions in a healthy relationship have to be discussed and answered to your mutual satisfaction.

There are certain things I can’t share. As part of my job, my clients are guaranteed confidentiality. This means I can’t come home and dump about my day or a conversation with a client, or the specifics of a client’s psychological evaluation etc. That’s hard to navigate. But we all have those things right? Most people have parts of their job that their partner either won’t really understand or that they can’t share or that they just don’t want to talk about. I know plenty of people that just want to leave work at work and not talk about it when they’re home.

The problems come when those things you don’t share cause worry or anxiety for your partner – or for you – and you don’t address them. I can’t share the specifics of my day with Boyfriend, but if I’m clearly anxious or upset I can share that work is stressing me out because I have a big deadline or a frustrating client or whatever. That opens the door for him. That lets him know where my head is and what I’m dealing with. He doesn’t need – or really even want – the specifics. He wants to know how I’m impacted by what’s going on.

When we’re struggling we need to share, but we need to do it in a thoughtful and appropriate way. Social media has made us into a culture that shares every thought and experience we have. That’s not productive. But neither is the opposite. Not to pick on you fellas, but I don’t have one guy in my life that is a “sharer”. Most of them are stoic and need to have information pried from their ruminating, anxiety-riddled brains. (My experiences only. Results may not be typical…) Boyfriend doesn’t share his worries and concerns with people willy-nilly. He’ll share when I ask, but I’ve learned I have to ask – he won’t volunteer.

I’ve learned that when we’re struggling as a couple, venting my frustration to my outside sources isn’t fair if it’s going to reflect negatively on Boyfriend. If we have a disagreement I need to take it up with him, not my mom and brother and my three closest friends.

I’m a big fan of using our support networks. But I am also a big fan of knowing and thinking about the impacts of our actions. If I rant to my mom about a recent argument that Boyfriend and I had, my mom is going to take my side and immediately think less of him. I can then have a conversation with Boyfriend and resolve that issue, but my mom will just be left thinking a little less of him. And then rinse and repeat until she doesn’t think very highly of him at all and doesn’t understand why I’m still with him. I accidentally created an issue that should never have existed. This is purely an example. I’m pretty sure my mom would pick him in the divorce.

The reality is it doesn’t need to matter what your friends or family think of your significant other. It matters what you think of them. But it’s hard to be torn in two directions between a relationship you are building and a relationship that’s long-standing. So don’t accidentally create that tension because you vented without thinking.

Knowing what conversations to share with your partner and what conversations to share with others is a huge key to a successful relationship. Functional communication is the secret to life as far as I’m concerned. Every fight or problem I’ve seen in my personal or professional life comes down to failed or missed communication. Most divorces can be traced back to bad communication, in my experience. Most problems on the local or global front can be traced back to ineffective communication.

Talk to your partner. Talk about the important things. Talk about the things that you want to know but are afraid to ask. Talk about the worries and the stresses – and present them that way. You’re not attacking them, condemning them, or questioning them – you’re worried about XYZ and just need to address your anxieties and try to answer those questions. Keep talking to them.

Talk to your Village. Talk about your frustrations with the source of the frustrations, not with everyone BUT them. Don’t put your people in a situation to pick sides against your other people. Your life will be easier if you don’t have competing loyalties in your close circle.

Bottom line – keep talking. Keep the lines of communication open. But think before you speak. That’s the hardest one for me. Especially if it’s hangry time and I need a snack 🙂