Different people in different places in their lives will define freedom differently. Maybe it’s the freedom to carve out an hour to exercise. The freedom to choose when and where you work. The freedom to live where you want to live. The freedom to buy what you choose. The freedom to opt to work or not work. Freedom is your individual choice. And we give it up in small incremental ways throughout our entire lives.

I grew up on a farm with horses and other animals that needed care and feeding every day rain or shine, light or dark. I knew I enjoyed the animals but hated the obligation, to the point of mild resentment. When I thought about having children I remembered that feeling growing up and decided it wasn’t the right path for me. I cared about my freedom of time and choice more than I desired to have my own family. I have adopted nieces and nephews (and an actual one of each) that sustain my kid fix, without sacrificing my freedom of time and choice. That was the right path for me. I recognize it isn’t the right path for lots of others.

But finding and pursuing some sense of freedom in your life is necessary. A healthy relationship is one that both people continue to choose. A healthy work environment is one that gives people some level of individuality. A healthy lifestyle is one where you are not consumed by obligations.

So how do we get to those healthy balances? In my work I see a lot of imbalanced relationships. A lot of controlling behaviors and isolation. The first red flag in a domestic violence relationship is when one party takes away the freedoms of the other. Whether that is economic isolation – one person controls the finances and the other’s access to them; physical isolation – one person decides who and when the other can interact with other people; I’ve even seen medical isolation – one person intentionally deprives the other of physical abilities and independence so that they are required to rely on their partner. These things are incredibly unhealthy, but they don’t happen overnight and are sometimes hard to identify when you’re in the throes of the circumstance.

I met with a potential new client recently who has paid all the bills and done all the child rearing and kept the wheels on in her marriage for close to 20 years. Her spouse hasn’t really worked much and claims a disability but has never been officially diagnosed with anything nor even applied for social security. This story is so incredibly common. It is a story of control, but in the opposite way we may normally expect. The non-working spouse is controlling the entire show with guilt and pity. The one keeping the wheels on is just adding to her burden and attempting to solve yet another problem and handle yet another thing. This is not healthy. It’s not healthy modeling for kids, it’s not healthy for your own mental or physical health, it isn’t healthy for anyone. The longer this goes on, the more destructive it is.

I was speaking with my mom over the holidays about a family member in a questionable relationship dynamic and the issue of “why do they stay”? Honestly, I’ve asked that question to more than a hundred clients and every one has a different answer. It may be the kids, or the fear, or lack of alternative options, or lack of knowledge of alternative options. But at the end of the day, people stay until they choose not to.

It is the end of a year. It is a good time to reflect and plan. Reflect on your freedoms. Are you choosing what is best for you? Do you have the freedom you want to have? Do you have a plan to get it? This could be financial, this could be physical, this could be in relationship dynamics, this could be philosophical. Do you want more financial freedom? Start a side hustle, sell unused items online, identify a marketable skill you have and post your services on gig-economy sites like upwork.com (shoutout to the bajillion instagram champs recommending side hustle ideas and extra income ideas). If you are worried about someone else controlling your finances, start a separate account or card – even something like paypal that goes to a separate account from your controlling person. Do you wish you had more time? What can you change or cut out of your life to put you on a path to getting more time? (I know these things don’t change overnight, but now’s the time to starting planning.) Do you need to get out of your unhealthy relationship? What’s holding you back? Literally write down or make a voice memo on what the barriers are – where will you live, where will you put your stuff, how will you go? I did an earlier post with some ideas about this as well. Read it here.

Once you’ve identified the things that are preventing your freedom, it’s easier to find a solution. I know it’s hard. I know there’s terror in the not knowing. But if fear is preventing your freedom, that’s a solvable problem too. You can start with anonymous things – reddit groups and online chats and support groups. There is literally something for everyone. Google what you’re dealing with or worrying about – I bet there are others that have dealt with it. Talk to people. Use your village. Your family may be relieved to hear you’re ready to get help. Your neighbor may be so grateful you reached out to him/her. Your co-worker may have their own knowledge and experience on how to get started. And any or all of those people may have practical help to bolster your resolve – there’s nothing like a good friend that shows up with a pickup truck to help you move your stuff out. Or a boss that is happy to give you a physical check instead of a direct deposit so you can go cash it yourself and have access to money. If you get creative, there is a way to solve most problems.

You are worth the time it takes to find a solution. Your future is worth the time it takes to find a solution. It doesn’t have to be a grand exodus. It doesn’t have to be quitting your full-time job. It can be gradual. It can take years. A process is still progress. A path to freedom is still inspiring and can get us through a lot.

Find your freedom. Find a path. It’s worth it.