This is my mom’s mantra and I hear it in my head all the freaking time. But it’s pretty freaking useful too. There are absolutely times in life when we just have to make moves and go with our gut. We have to deal with what the world’s throwing at us. Do your best, keep your head above water, we’ll deal with the fallout later. This is when we compartmentalize. We go full-blown survival mode and our minds triage the biggest problems first. Living like this is TRAUMATIC. This kind of mindset in an extended period is really really hard.

So. Thought before action if time. Are you thinking about leaving your spouse? Ok, think about logistics. What does day one look like? Where do you live? How do you have access to money? What’s the most vulnerable aspect of your life that they could impact?

Most people would not have believed their spouse is capable of the terribleness that they often experience. So, plan ahead. If your significant other decides to intercept your mail, where can you change your address to? If your spouse decides to clean out the bank account, do you have an individual account set up? Where’s the title for your vehicle? What about your social security card and birth certificate? Passport? Have you thought about freezing your credit? These are all things I’ve seen be abused during a divorce. Because the reality is, people you’ve been in relationships with usually know how to make you happy and also exactly what button to push to hurt you. Devious isn’t it?

I want to be clear – I do not believe the divorce process should be a battle. I think divorces generally go better for EVERYONE if they can be amicable and reasonable. But the beginning is often ugly. People are at their most desperate, most emotional, most fragile time and they make emotional decisions instead of rational ones.

The easiest way to avoid having to make difficult, survival-based decisions is to have a plan ahead of time.

• Put your paycheck into a separate account (at a separate bank if you can. This avoids confusion with statements that include every account or soon-to-be-exes being informed of or given access to your separate account. I know it shouldn’t happen, but small towns and small banks, and accidents happen.) Still be sure you’re contributing your share to joint accounts/bills, but this gives you access to decide your contribution rather than it being taken from you.
• Where will you live? Are you able to stay in the place you’re living? Will they leave? Will it be safe for you to both stay in the same place after you’ve decided to split up? Can you afford to pay for the place on your own? This is one of the single biggest reasons people stay in unhappy or unhealthy relationships.
  • ***This is also a good time to consult a lawyer in your area. Most will have a consultation with low or no fee to ensure you don’t accidentally abandon your claim to a house or certain property or parenting rights etc. In some states residing with the children and residing in the home make a difference. Be sure you know what the laws are where you are.
• What can you afford? It’s time to do a budget. With just YOUR income and your expected expenses. In the jurisdiction where I practice, the courts require it. You need to know for yourself what your financial picture looks like. And, more importantly, where your financial priorities need to be. If you are making a monthly contribution to your investment account but can’t afford rent, it’s time to take a timeout from investing. (I cringe to say that ever, but compound interest isn’t as important as eating). If you have multiple streaming services on autopay, it’s time to take a hard look at those too. Prioritize lodging, food, whatever it takes to keep your job. This is temporary-emergency-management budgeting. It isn’t forever, it’s survival.

I don’t mean to make this such a stark picture, it really doesn’t have to be. And I do not want to deter anyone from leaving an unhealthy relationship. But these are the things to think about to make sure extricating yourself from that situation is as painless as possible. It’s hard stuff, but I’m here to help.